Happy Calories Don’t Count

In an effort to build my case, I searched the internet for a definition of “emotional eating.” Out of the countless search results of sites claiming to help us with emotional eating, there wasn’t a single search result dedicated to a definition. Even the Wikipedia search result redirected me to the entry on “compulsive overeating.”

Thus, the first argument in my case is already made. We don’t need a definition of “emotional eating” because we all already think we know what it means. We think emotional eating is eating for reasons other than physical hunger. And…we think it’s “bad.”

Why do we believe emotional eating is bad? For the most part, we believe emotional eating is bad because we believe that our bodies are a balance sheet – a sum total of calories consumed and burned. And if we consume calories because we are sad or angry or lonely or bored, we will impact that balance sheet in a negative way. (Heck we try hard enough to maintain that balance sheet simply when eating for physical hunger!)

Well, the first flaw of that argument is the idea that our bodies are a balance sheet. This cultural idea – reinforced by constant marketing and media attention – that we can (and should) control the size and shape of our bodies by manipulating that delicate balance of calories in/exercise out is a faulty premise. Yes, we are responsible for what we eat. And yes, we are responsible for how we choose to move our bodies. But what we choose to eat and how we choose to move our bodies, does not, by definition, result in a specific size or shape. (If that were true, a given diet and/or exercise program would work the same for everyone.)

So let’s ditch that faulty premise. Let’s ditch the idea that our bodies are a sum total of calories consumed and burned. Now, if we are no longer trying to balance a caloric equation, why would “emotional” eating be bad? What’s wrong with eating to feel better?

Did you notice my definition? My definition of “emotional eating” isn’t eating for reasons other than physical hunger. My definition of emotional eating is eating to feel better. And in that context, all eating is emotional eating. Even eating for physical hunger is “emotional” eating because being hungry doesn’t feel very good! In fact, being hungry hurts. Therefore, “emotional eating” is simply “eating.”

So we don’t need to draw the distinction between eating for physical hunger and eating for emotional reasons. The distinction that needs to be drawn is the distinction between eating to feel better and eating to not feel bad.

Those two scenarios might sound the same, but they are vastly different. And the distinction is not between better and bad – it’s between feeling and not feeling. Eating to feel better is great! Eating to not feel bad will never work because we can never “not feel.”

And from this perspective, virtually all relationships with food are healed.

Most of the time, when we are struggling with “emotional eating,” what we are really struggling with is this notion that we are a balance sheet. We want to eat something that tastes good, but deny ourselves the pleasure because it isn’t “good for us” because it will “make us fat.” Or if we do eat that tasty tidbit, we feel guilty and fearful of the caloric consequences. Some of us even get into cycles of a rebellious binge followed by a starvation penance – believing that we must “pay a price” to eat. We get angry at our families and our friends for having food be the centerpiece of celebration. Why must society tempt us like that? Why make food part of a celebration? Don’t they know we can only eat for physical hunger, lest we upset the balance of that caloric equation?

So when we look at eating from the perspective of feeling better, all of this becomes a non-issue.

Even when we have traditionally used food (or starvation) to “cope,” much of the dysfunction is healed when we come from the perspective of feeling better. If we’re feeling down and we reach for a cookie to feel better, that’s great! And as soon as the cookie(s) no longer helps us feel better, we stop. Not because of some external force telling us that “we shouldn’t eat that,” but because continuing to eat the cookie(s) no longer feels good.

Again, it’s not about this idea of using food as a “coping” device. It’s about really understanding what “coping” is! Attempts to feel better are very healthy and very sane! Attempts to not feel bad – as heroic or dysfunctional they might be – will never work because we can never “not feel.”

So yes, this takes practice. It takes practice to get and stay off our cultural caloric balance sheet. And it takes practice being fully conscious and fully present and fully connected to our bodies in each and every moment. And when we practice eating to feel better, we free ourselves from the bondage and myth of “emotional eating.”

Contributed by Melanie Miller, M.Ed.

Do you ever hear this at your house?  “I’m hungry, there’s nothing to eat.”  “I don’t want to clean my room right now, it’s no fun?”  “How come I have to do chores and my friends are all out playing?”  Or, maybe something like, “ I don’t like mayo on my sandwich” or, “Peas again?  I don’t like eating peas.”  Often we hear what our children don’t want.  We then coax, remind, tell them to be grateful for what they have, do some more coaxing and reminding and never get to hear what it is they want or need.

What is Your Request

When I first started teaching parenting classes, I had a couple who came up with the idea of asking their daughters, “What is your request?” They were parents of preschoolers and I’m sure their days were filled with hearing what their children didn’t want to do, or didn’t want to eat.  It was such a simple solution and once again, I, as the parent educator, got to learn something from the parents in my class.  I brought this new parenting tool home with me and found that it was a wonderful way to communicate with my two children.Asking, “What’s your request?” teaches our children to ask for what they need.

It gives them a voice and gives them practice speaking up for themselves.

What a great gift to give our children.

And, because it is only a “request”, we have the freedom to say, “That’s not going to work this time” or maybe, “I’m not sure about that request, let me think about it” or we might even say, “No”.

Asking my children, “What’s your request?” also gives me practice in asking for what I want.  No longer do I have to hint at what I need, “beat around the bush”, or wish they could read my mind.  I simply get to ask for what I want or need, and my children get to decide if my request is one that they can live with.  “What’s your request?”  What a great way to ask for what we need!

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Here are five ways to reconnect with each other:

Take at least 10 minutes each day to talk about anything other than the baby. This sounds simple but can actually be a challenge. Make a game of it. Whoever says “baby” has to do a favor for the other. This is especially important for the stay at home parent who often gets caught up in all those baby stories to tell. At the same time the parent who is home with the baby may want to desperately use adult words and full sentences with someone and needs to decompress from all the baby care stress.

Make a regular time weekly to review new parent challenges and successes related to parenting. You are learning as you go both with your new baby and each other. It can be very helpful to air these concerns in a safe and structured way vs. snapping in the moment, and this time will give each other a way to think things through and express yourselves more effectively. Try to be productive and come up with possible solutions rather than just using the time to complain. Also make sure to identify what is working well for you both.

Acknowledge each other’s efforts. Couples often compare who is working harder or doing more for the family. Both of you are most likely doubling your efforts to manage the added responsibilities. It is not a competition. This is not a way to get compassion or support from your partner. If you are feeling burnt out and need more help then ask for it directly. Chances are if you are feeling undervalued your partner may be as well. Just a few words of appreciation and encouragement can go a long way.

Schedule intimate time with each other. Yes, that’s right-schedule it. Better to ensure that you both get your romantic time at all then get hung up on loosing spontaneity. If you manage to sneak in some romance otherwise then great, but this way you are both choosing a time that works. Usually shortly after the baby goes down is best before you may get too tired and scrap your plans. This doesn’t mean mandatory sex. If you are feeling disconnected for some reason then take the time to just snuggle.

Have a regular date “night”. This one may take some time to get started depending on your resources and baby’s sleeping habits. Try to get someone you trust and know well like a friend or relative to watch your baby for starters for just an hour and then get progressively braver. You can even do trade babysitting with other couples. Eventually, establish a regular time to do something you both enjoyed when you were just a couple once a week even if only for a few hours. Remember not to talk about the baby or other stressful topics during this time.

Written by: Sarah Levoy, Psy.D.
Read more at: www.thepreparedmom.com

By guest blogger Dr. Shirin Sherkat

Do you want to create a leader in your kid, not a bully?

Then make sure that your kids are skilled in:

• Coping with change
• Asserting themselves
• Having empathy

Can your child cope with change?

Coping with change means your kids are learning how to manage stress due to transition, change or crises. Where do they learn such coping skills? From watching you of course.

• Allow them to vent. Give them the words to express their frustration and anger.
• Teach them that it is OK to feel angry.
• Model stress management techniques such as, deep breathing.

Is your child assertive?

It is essential for a child to learn to assert themselves so they can communicate well  enough to get their needs met & learn to stand up for their rights.

• When you learn to take your kid’s point of view and respect it, you teach your child how to take another’s point of view into consideration.
• They learn to respect others’ rights and perspective.
• When you give positive feedback and praise for good choices, you teach your child to appreciate other’s behavior as well.
• When you empower your kids to make better choices, you create a responsible individual.

Empathy can be taught

Every day you model and set an example for your kids for how to express empathy towards others in need, or respect others’ feelings.

Daily routines are full of wonderful, teachable moments to help foster empathy in your kids:

1. Listen: Allow kids to talk about their feelings, and validate those feelings.
1. Be patient. Be present. And just listen first. Offer validation later.
2. Label: From a very young age, your kids can learn the correct label for body language and facial expressions.
1. For example, you could say, “look sweetie, that little girl feels sad, look at her face.” Or “I can see that you feel scared.”
3. Model: Through practice, show your kids how different behaviors influence the way others feel.
1. For example, during an outing to the grocery store, you may come across an opportunity to explain, “I saw how that lady felt very frustrated in the store, so I offered to help.”

This is an excerpt from my book “Create Happy Kids” - If you would like to enjoy the entire book, you can purchase it by clicking here.

I am available to do Parent Education Workshops, either Private or PTA Sponsored

Contact Shirin Sherkat at 425-772-6698

Amy and Kim talk with Homefront Chronicles

Margit Crane (www.giftedwithadd.com) – Tween/Teen/ADD expert

Sara Eizen (www.nestseattle.com) – Home organizer

Rebecca Michi (www.rebeccamichi.com) – Sleep expert

Mamacon podcast: Kim interviews Amy Lang

Mamacon Podcast: Amy interviews Kim Estes

MamaCon Podcast: Welcome to Mamacon!